Are you in a dry spell in your long-term relationship?
You may be relieved to know that in a long-term relationship it is normal to experience a dry spell (lack of sexual intimacy) from time to time.
If you have busy lives, opposite schedules, many obligations and responsibilities, or unmet emotional needs is it no surprise that you are going through a dry spell.
And, as a result, tensions can arise, you may become grumpy, or even start to question your relationship.
But, while it is normal to go through sexual ebbs and flows in a relationship, it is a habit that needs to be broken before the entire relationship breaks for good.
Say Yes More Often
In the research done by the Gottman Institute one of the keys to a healthy, long term relationship is Turning Towards.
Turning towards is paying attention to your partner in the small moments of time, when it really matters.
Emotional Bids for Affection
A long, drawn out dry spell may be the result of Turning Away too often. Turning Away is when you either consciously or unconsciously deny your partner’s bid for affection.
You may be making bids for affection all day and can become hurt when they become unnoticed in the stress of your busy lives.
In order to have sex more often it is imperative to say yes to your partner’s bids for affection. Saying yes to these bids for affection can translate to yes to sex.
3 Ways to Say Yes by Turning Towards:
- Notice when you partner is asking for affection and say Yes. Often, this may come as a bid for emotional connection, an invitation for a deep conversation, or, the desire for a lingering kiss. Turn towards this bid and say Yes to your partner. Sometimes, saying Yes to the bid for affection is all it takes to get the juices flowing and sexy time to spontaneously occur.
- Ask for an equal exchange. For some folks, sex has become a chore (I hear this all the time in my practice). One easy way to say Yes is to give your partner what they want in exchange for something you want ie: I will give you a BJ if you do the laundry. They are both perceived as chores but in essence, they are both important in the operations of a smooth household. (This is not something that should take the place of great, quality, mutually beneficial love-making, however, it can break the dry spell for the time being).
- Improve the quality of your sex life. One of the key ways to say Yes more often is to learn new techniques and skills for the kind of sex you do want. When sex is top quality, rewarding, fulfilling and full of pleasure your yes will come readily. Start by saying Yes to learning new techniques. You can schedule time together to watch instructional videos, take a skills enhancing workshop, hire a coach, plan a date to go to a sex toy store or engage in some erotic massage.
This will greatly benefit the relationship!
At the end of the day, you are both committed to the relationship and want a healthy intimate life.
But, the dry spell is literally taking all the juice and fun out of the relationship. So why not try something new? Why not try saying Yes more often and see where that takes you?
Note: it is imperative that all sexual acts are 100% consensual. If you are finding you are going outside of consent it is a bigger issue and therapy or relationship coaching is needed.
Have fun with this, try it on as a research project, approach with curiosity and let me know how it goes!
All the best,
Dr. Anya
