In addition to my academic training as a sexologist I have many years prior experience as a hands-on practitioner.
Those years of valuable field research taught me that what is portrayed in the mainstream and what people actually want sexually are two different things. Human sexuality is much more complex, varied and nuanced than the mainstream narrative.
As a sexologist it is part of my mission to dispel outdated myths and share accurate knowledge of the diversity of human sexuality.
Here are 5 lessons that my time in the sex industry doing field research taught me about human sexuality:
1. Needing to have the perfect body to attract sexual partners, have good sex, and keep your lover happy is a MYTH (that is generated by the beauty industry).
I list this as #1 because it is the biggest lie that has been told about human sexuality. So many of the folks I work with in my practice have been fed this narrative and while it may sell a lot of beauty products and line the pockets of the billion dollar beauty industry it is not true. You do not need to have the perfect 10 body, face and hair to attract a lover, have good sex and keep your lover interested. You can exhale a sigh of relief and let go of this quest for physical perfection because, I will tell you the truth.
Plenty of folks in the sex industry who make it a business to attract clients and keep them interested are not physically perfect, traditionally sexy nor do they fit the narrative of mainstream beauty. And, the reason why they do well is because true seduction and the ability to ooze sexuality comes from within not from without. Many hands-on practitioners have a powerful sexual draw because they are embodying sexuality not performing sexuality. They feel sexy in their bodies and that is the most powerful aphrodisiac.
Cultivating an empowered, embodied, unashamed and potent sexual energy is much more alluring than taught skin, the perfect nose, or excellently coifed hair. While those external factors may sell products they don’t translate to high states of arousal or orgasm.
2. What people actually like sexually vs. societies norms.
My years as a Pro Domme and Tantra Bodyworker taught me that what the mainstream sells as sexually interesting is maybe 1% of what people are actually craving. The other 99% includes deep heart-felt connection, a sense of mystery, a desire for transcending the mundane, a quest for a portal to other dimensions and many outside-the-norm sexual expressions.
Would it surprise you to know that some high powered C-suite individuals like to cross-dress? Or, would it be shocking to find out that the simple practice of breath work can transport one’s sexuality to another dimension? Both of these are common practices that folks offer in the sex industry. And, they are just two of hundreds of practices that people crave, desire and need as ways to express their sexuality.
3. Most folks are sexually fluid.
The subject of a sexual spectrum has been studied quite extensively in sexology. From the research done by Alfred Kinsey in the 1960’s to Fritz Klein in the 80’s we have learned that many folks are not purely homosexual or heterosexual.
We see this in the sex industry where people go to find safe spaces to explore their sexuality outside the tidy boxes of the mainstream narrative. There are few safe spaces to explore one’s sexuality so it is no wonder that Pro Dommes may see folks who have bi-sexual needs, or female sensual massage therapists often have female clients.
The takeaway from this is that human sexuality is not binary. And, many folks fall on a spectrum. What if it was not taboo to be sexually attracted to a wide variety of people and/or genders? Would mainstream tolerance, acceptance and compassion help people feel more at ease with themselves and their bodies?
4. Why folks aren’t having the kind of sex they really want to have.
There is a heavily embedded societal norm that what folks want is traditional, vanilla sex ie: man on top, woman on bottom, and the entire sexual act taking 10 minutes from start to finish. For many people this is completely unsatisfying.
This outdated cultural narrative is behind the times. And, this is partially why folks are driven towards hand-on practitioners. It’s the low quality of sexual satisfaction in a relationship that has people seeking other experiences with providers who truly understand human sexuality and can curate experiences that are more deeply fulfilling.
The good news is high quality, satisfying sex can happen in a fully committed, long-term monogamous relationship. When couples communicate their true desires to each other, learn new techniques, slow down and listen to what their partner’s needs are they can have the kind of sex they truly crave.
5. Sex workers can be teachers and allies to the mainstream vs. people to be afraid of.
I will finish this list with my parting message. Sex workers can be teachers and allies to all of those wishing to expand their knowledge of human sexuality versus, the threatening relationship disruptors that society has painted them to be.
Sex industry professionals are on the front lines working with folks’ sexuality day in and day out and have a vast array of knowledge that is vitally important for society to learn in order to truly advance in the areas of pleasure, intimacy and satisfaction.
I believe it’s important to listen to these voices in the way of podcasts, blogs, vlogs, workshops and courses. Many sex workers are also educators and offer ways to better understand your individual and relationship sexual needs.
It has been many years since I practiced hands-on work but, the lessons are with me daily. Disrupt the cultural narrative, get curious about people’s actual lived experience of their sexuality, empower folks to get curious about themselves and their partners’ needs and continue to be a humble student of human sexuality.
I encourage you to do the same!
If you are interested in sex & intimacy coaching or learning more about my Erotic Fundamentals couple’s curriculum please reach out. My goal in life is to disseminate accurate, non-judgmental sex education for individuals and couples. I look forward to speaking with you soon!
All the best,
Dr. Anya
