You, like many other people, could be taking it personally when your partner doesn’t come to orgasm during love-making. Are you worried that you’ve done something wrong? Do you wonder if you aren’t pleasing them at all? Have these frustrations contributed to a fight or a tense moment which has led to a missed opportunity for sexual connection?
Orgasm can be a very elusive for many people. I see all genders in my practice who report having a difficult time coming to orgasm. A lot of people are frustrated, angry at themselves, ready to give up hope and pretty depressed about their inability to orgasm during sex.
Orgasms are healthy and wonderful and it’s great for everyone to have them, however, pleasure is the goal in love-making and being frustrated and tense is not the way to go. When the non-orgasmic person is frustrated and you are frustrated it causes a real lack of possibilities for true pleasure and satisfaction to happen.
Here are some simple ways you can stop taking it personally and enjoy your own body’s pleasure:
- It’s not you. While it can be tempting to believe that you have control over your partner’s orgasm it may be truer that their body’s functioning has to do with what’s going on with them, not with you.
- Have some patience. Usually, it’s the person who is unable to achieve orgasm that is suffering more than you. Have patience with them as they go through their emotions.
- Ask how they like to be touched. When tension and frustrations arise it can be easy to neglect healthy communication. Healthy communication with your partner includes asking them how they like to be touched. Asking questions like, “what pressure do you like”? “where do you feel the most sensation in your body”? “what type of touch arouses you”? brings a sense of comfort and curiosity to the dynamic. Sometimes people are so busy getting to the “finish line” that they forget the journey is the most important part of getting there!
- If you are sexually frustrated and can’t be present for your partner, take some time out for yourself and your own pleasure. If you want your partner to orgasm so much that you are neglecting your own needs, take a break and masturbate! It’s okay to masturbate in front of your partner and it can be sexy too. Sometimes, taking the pressure off the orgasm of your lover and putting the attention on yourself can break some of the tension. Then, go back to making out and finding ways to please them.
- Engage in some slow, sensual foreplay and massage. Bring the energy and tension down by going back to the basics. If everyone is tense and frustrated they are not experiencing pleasure so enjoy some gentle, slow caressing and sensual massage. Remember, Get Out of Your Head And Into Your Body (if you want to have great sex).
- Enjoy the moment, whatever it takes. If you are processing verbally and emotionally during sex, don’t. Take a shower together, give each other acknowledgments and gratitudes, do some breathing together and enjoy each other. Striving for orgasm and feeling like it’s your fault that you can’t “give” your partner an orgasm is a missed opportunity to simply enjoy each other.
- Learn some creative, fun techniques and learn how your partner’s body works. We are all different and we all come to orgasm is our own unique ways. For some, they need a little fantasy role-play, others need a little verbal stimulation through “dirty talk”, some peoples bodies take a longer time to warm up and become aroused. Learn how your partner’s body works as well as a few techniques to help them along the way.
You are in this together and you can be a team! If you feel down about yourself come back to these steps again and again. There is a lot of good that can happen by letting ourselves off the hook and instead, maintaining a sense of team-work and creativity in the process.
I have seen a lot of couples turn their whole relationships around by learning how to be a team when it comes to sex and leaning into the experience of getting to know each other in a whole new way.
Remember, it’s all about Pleasure and you deserve it!
Anya de Montigny, DHS is a sexuality expert with over 20 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) degree, is a certified sex educator and certified sex coach and was the host of the popular radio show The O Word Sex Talk Radio. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice. She also teaches adult sex education classes as well as consent & boundaries workshops at Universities and Colleges.