It doesn’t have to be difficult to have the best sex of your life, if you have the right ingredients. 

If you are like many people you may be struggling with some aspect of your sexuality. This might be on a personal level or it could be a struggle within your intimate partnership. And, if you are like most people you are looking for a solution.

I feel confident that when you put these 3 vital ingredients into practice: communication, embodiment and belief, the experience of your sexuality and the quality of your sexual relationship will change.

1. Communication

Communication around sex can be difficult to implement in a healthy, constructive way. Communicating about sex can be difficult, frustrating and often result in disagreements between partners. 

So, where to begin? It starts with truly understanding yourself sexually.  What do you want in a sexual partner? What do you desire your sex life to be? Do you have fears around sex? Once you have the answers to these questions it may be easier to communicate your needs with your partner. 

The good news is that you do not need to do this difficult job alone. I highly recommend downloading the Gottman Card Deck from the App Store and spending some time on Sex Questions. I often have couples use these questions in session as a way to get the dialogue going around sex.  With lots of great categories from masturbation, to orgasm, to how you like to be touched this easy to use deck can get even the shyest folks to open up.  Finding ways that are fun and upbeat while getting to the heart of the matter can go a long way towards healthy communication. And, if you need more help, working with a coach or therapist will greatly support this process.  

2. Embodiment 

If you are like most of my clients you spend a lot of time in your head.  You may have a job in tech, corporate, finance, medicine or academia and have spent a lifetime thinking and analyzing your way to success.  While this is a wonderful skill to possess it can sometimes result in over-thinking and over-analyzing which can create a body-mind disconnect.  

Unfortunately, you can not simply think your way into having good sex. It takes getting out of your mind and into your body to have good sex.  

Becoming embodied takes practice. Connecting your body and mind is a skill that is learned by repeating the same things over and over, making mistakes, learning from your mistakes and slowly gaining confidence towards skillful mastery. If you’ve ever learned an instrument or learned a new physical skill like driving or roller skating you’ll know exactly what I mean!

Here’s an introductory embodiment exercise:

  1. Start by picking up two objects.
  2. Place an object in each hand.
  3. Notice the object in your dominant hand. Pay attention to shape, texture, temperature and weight. 
  4. Notice color, shades of darkness and light and how the light plays through and around the object. 
  5. Now, notice the object in your non-dominant hand. Is it different, the same, does it have smoother or rougher edges? 
  6. Go through the same steps as you did with your dominant hand.
  7. When you’ve done this for several minutes close your eyes and notice the objects with your eyes closed. What do you notice?

This simple somatic awareness exercise teaches your brain to become aware of stimuli other than thought. 

Your body, through the intricate network of the central nervous system,  sends your brain messages constantly but you may not be aware of them. By practicing somatic awareness exercises you can start to tune into the signals of your body more often. 

Once you have gotten the hang of this introductory practice, it’s time to bring this awareness to physical touch with your partner. 

Slowly, over time, you will find that you are more in your body and less in your busy, anxious mind. From this place of embodiment true pleasure will emerge. 

3. Believe in Yourself

A major ingredient to sexual success is the belief that you will succeed.  Whether it is your goal is to be a better lover, achieve better orgasms, or, feel empowered in your sexual expression, in order to go from where you are now to where you want to be, you need to believe that you will get there. 

Believing in yourself produces feel good hormones that inspire you to keep going even when the going gets tough. When you don’t believe in yourself and your ability to change, grow and transform even small roadblocks along the way will seem huge and insurmountable. 

That is why it’s important to gain confidence by first, believing that you can get to your final destination and then, setting small, achievable goals along the way.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and sexual success will be gained one step at a time. But, believe that you will get there. Trust your body and your mind.  

The truth is that we are all capable of amazing, high quality sex.  It just takes some communication skills, embodied practice and the belief that you can do it.. and you will.

All the best!

Dr. Anya

Categories: Couples

Dr. Anya

Dr. Anya is a sexuality expert with over 25 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality degree and is a certified sex educator and certified sexologist. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice.