Have you felt that you are at the “end of the road” because one of you is vanilla and the other kinky? Are you struggling to find ways to both get your needs met? 

I know it can feel like an endless loop of frustration,  however, with some experimentation, an open-mind and a willingness to stay curious you can get your needs met while enjoying a mutually satisfying sex life.

Here are some points to get you started:

1. Keep an open mind when your partner tells you they are interested in kink. 

There is often a misconception that kink is an elaborate underground world of whips and chains, leather and dark, gothic dungeons full of Dominatrixes and men kneeling while being tied up.  And, while it certainly can be those things, it can also be a lot of other things.  In fact, kink can be defined as anything “outside the box” of the traditional man on top missionary position! In our grandparents time it may have been kinky to simply change positions now and again. And, female on top is even now considered riské in certain populations. So, I invite you to have an open mind and begin to explore what kink can actually be and see if it’s something for you. 

Some things that folks find consensually kinky:

  • Hair pulling 
  • Spanking
  • Dirty Talk
  • Role-Play
  • Domination/submission
  • Sensation Play 
  • Blindfolds
  • Fantasy
  • Lingerie modeling
  • Acts of Service
  • Anal Play
  • Goddess Worship 
  • And the list goes on and on and on and….

Many folks are already doing some form of kinky play in their sexual activities and wouldn’t even know to call it that as the definition is so broad. Are you perhaps already a bit kinky?

2. Find out what your partners kinks are.

Before deciding that your relationship is doomed because you are more vanilla (don’t need a lot of “extras” in the bedroom) ask your partner to tell you what they find kinky.  

It’s great to both get out a pen and paper and write down all the different things you enjoy sexually and see if there are some overlaps.

Once you have a clear idea of what you and your partner like, don’t like, and feel neutral about it’s easier to have the conversation on how to proceed.

For the kinky partner: it’s important to be gentle with this process.  You may have all the knowledge in the world about your kink but take it easy when explaining it to your partner as it may be all new to them.

3. Now that you’ve had the conversation decide what you want to do about it.

My suggestion is to go slowly.  Find something that is low hanging fruit (maybe it’s blindfolds, erotic spanking, or a little dirty talk) and play in that realm a few times to see how you feel.

The more comfortable you both are with things you both enjoy the easier it is to add in new, more adventurous activities.

Remember: one of the cardinal rules of kink is that all play must be safe, sane, and consensual.  You must agree on what you are going to do before you do it.  This will go far in building trust and communication between you.

4. What if one of you has a fetish the other doesn’t want to participate in?

Many couples I have worked with fall into this category.  One person is interested in a particular fetish (ie: foot worship, cuckolding, latex play, pegging, etc. etc.) and the other isn’t just neutral about it but actually turned off by the idea.

When this is the case coaching is definitely a great way to ease into this conversation, find ways you can both get your needs met and possibly discuss how the partner with the kink can play with their fetish in an agreeable fashion within the relationship.  Some couples have opted for the fetishist to see a professional Dominatrix once in a while, others have agreed that their partner can watch certain media portraying the fetish, while others have agreed to participate just at the level they feel comfortable.  There are actually endless ways folks can come to a healthy agreement with some guidance around kinks and fetishes within a relationship.

5. It’s of utmost importance that the more vanilla partner get their ample share of pleasure. 

It is never as simple as one person acquiescing to their partners desires.  It is vital that both partners are fulfilled. 

Continue to enjoy the more vanilla aspects of your relationship (long make-outs, sensual kissing, erotic massage, intercourse etc.) to ensure that the bond between you remains healthy and strong.  If, as a kinky person, you don’t find you are turned-on at all by these activities that is a conversation to have with a coach or therapist.  On the other hand, if you are turned-on by vanilla love-making keep it up! And, gently over time add in kinky play in a sustainable way that will benefit you both.   

If you are interested in discussing these topics further please do not hesitate to reach out and book a free consultation to see if working together would help your relationship. 

Categories: Couples

Dr. Anya

Dr. Anya is a sexuality expert with over 25 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality degree and is a certified sex educator and certified sexologist. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice.