Are you and your partner in a struggle between, I just want to have sex and, I just want to sleep?

Like many folks, you may have children, a full-time job and a social life which can all deplete your energy. By the end of the day you may just want to hit the sack.

However, there may be one person in the relationship who is craving touch and physical intimacy while the other just wants to lay their head on a cool pillow after a long hard day and go to sleep.  And, often people are experiencing both desires and don’t know what to choose.

Because we are creatures of habit we often opt for the most pressing need which tends to be sleep. While it’s super important to get 7-9 hours of sleep per night, it is also important to get the nurturing and physical intimacy that erotic touch provides.  So, how does this all happen? How do we get enough sleep while maintaining our sexual and physical connection with our partners?

The first step is to find common ground between you. When couples get into gridlock about a sore subject it just causes more tension and stress.  It can free up a lot of time, energy and space to tackle this issue as a team.  Teamwork makes the Dreamwork!

To be on the same team you need to:

  1. Make agreements. – Decide what day of the week you are going to have intimate time.
  2. Set aside that time. – No interruptions from kids, phone, Netflix, or work emails.
  3. Do things that you both like to do. – Figure out what your partner likes that you also like.  What kind of intimate touch do you both enjoy? What have you done in the past that you’d like to do again? Get creative.
  4. Go shopping. – Get some new toys, buy some new sheets and blankets, create a space in your bedroom that feels sensual.
  5. Resolve any conflicts or disagreements *before* you go straight to intimacy. – If there is a brewing issue between you set aside another time to hear each other out and air the space before you engage in physical intimacy.
  6. Know what time of day you are at your best so you are rested. – If you never want to have sex at night because you are too tired then find another time of day that you feel rested and plan on engaging in intimacy then.  If that means you need to get a sitter or even get a hotel room in the middle of the day then do it.  It will be worth it, I promise.
  7. Avoid thinking during sex by writing down your to-dos beforehand – If you are avoiding sex and opting for sleep instead because you just can’t shut your mind down and enjoy yourself, use a strategy that’s helpful for curbing ruminating thoughts – make a to do list and then put your list away so you can enjoy your love-making uninterrupted.

There are many ways that you can be creative and get on the same team to ensure that you have enough sleep and a healthy sex life. It can take a little planning but if you find your common ground you can make it happen!


Dr. Anya

Categories: Couples

Dr. Anya

Dr. Anya is a sexuality expert with over 25 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality degree and is a certified sex educator and certified sexologist. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice.


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