Has your porn consumption gone from casual use to daily dependence?
Are you having a difficult time sexually engaging with your partner because you are used to masturbating to porn?
Do you need some help finding ways to scale back your use?
If you answered yes to any of these questions do not despair, there is hope!
There are many benefits to visual media like porn but if you are suffering from dependency the bad may be outweighing the good.
My personal opinion on porn is that it’s a great vehicle for pleasure when used in a way that:
- Promotes connection with yourself and your partner.
- Is used as an avenue of exploring eroticism and becoming more sexually aware.
- Increases libido, arousal and orgasm.
- Is used between couples to keep things spicy in the bedroom.
However, you may find that you’ve become dependent on porn and experience negative physical, emotional and psychological side effects from frequent, long-term use.
Some of the reported side effects of porn dependency can be:
- Engaging less in partner sex
- Performance anxiety
- Comparing oneself to porn actors
- Early or delayed ejaculation
- Difficulty orgasming with partner
- Erectile variations (it works sometimes, sometimes it doesn’t)
- Comparing your partner to porn actors
- Setting up impossible expectations of yourself and/or your partner
- Becoming dis-embodied
- Not being able to stop viewing porn to take care of other responsibilities
- Finding less and less pleasure from consuming porn but not being able to stop
If you are finding that your life has been negatively impacted by porn dependency, the good news is that there are some powerful steps to diminish dependency and achieve a satisfying sex life.
5 Steps To Break The Habit:
1. Normalize and Reduce Shame
One of the important steps to breaking any dependency is to stop beating yourself up for your habit. The more you beat yourself up and feel badly about your porn dependency the greater the chance that you will turn towards the habit to self-soothe.
Have you watched porn, had feelings of guilt and shame about it but then needed more porn to “fix” those painful emotions?
This cycle is one of the hallmarks of dependency. The first step in breaking the cycle is to get to the root of the shame and guilt.
You may have feelings of low self-worth, underlying, negative beliefs about sex, unexpressed sexual desires, or cultural narratives that you are wrong or bad.
How do you stop feeling shame and guilt?
If you are feeling guilt and shame about your porn use, the best solution for this is to normalize your behavior.
Normalizing works because it helps you understand that you are not a horrible person with a horrible disorder. In fact, this pubmed article cites a study that reports, “91.5% of men and 60.2% of women…reported having consumed pornography in the past month”.
It may, in fact, be more normal to use porn than it isn’t! Normalizing use is not to excuse dependency it’s just a stepping stone to help alleviate shameful emotions.
Tell yourself: “A lot of people use porn and it is normal. But, it’s gotten a little out of hand and I am going to do something about it”.
The next step towards reducing guilt and shame is to talk to a therapist or sexologist about your underlying beliefs, the emotions you may be running from and other factors that are contributing to these feelings.
2. From Porn to Embodied Pleasure
After you normalize your behavior, as well as look into underlying emotions and beliefs about porn, the second step to establish a real, embodied connection with your sexuality.
While porn may have its uses, if you are experiencing a disconnection between your mind and body one of the side effects can be disembodied sex.
Do you find that when you are done masturbating to porn you have very little memory of what actually happened other than a quick orgasm?
Thankfully, there is a way to masturbate that engages all of your senses. When masturbating in this way, each moment becomes full of amazing sensation which translates to more enjoyable, connected and lasting pleasure with your partner.
A wonderful exercise that helps you tap into embodied pleasure is the mindful masturbation technique: From Porn to Embodied Pleasure.
Instructions:
- Start with watching porn.
- Turn it off and focus on your body.
- You can go back to it one or two more times (but only for a minute or so).
- Return to the awareness of your body without the visual stimulation.
- Over time this helps train you out of depending on porn to achieve orgasm.
3. Use Mindful Masturbation without Porn at all
Once you have done the Porn to Embodied Pleasure a few times try the Mindful Masturbation exercise.
This exercise encourages you to really get to know your body on a sensory level without visual input.
A lot of people report discovering things about themselves they never knew were possible.
And, you will find that the added benefit of mindful masturbation is that you become more present with your partner during lovemaking.
4. Use a Fleshlight
For many folks, using a lot of porn over the years has created issues around early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation or erectile variations (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t).
Using a Fleshlight for masturbation can help to diversify sensations and train your body to work optimally during partner sex.
Your mileage will vary with the Fleshlight. Give it a try and see how it goes.
5. Engage in Slow Sex with your partner.
Is your masturbation habit quick, hurried and to the point?
When you engage in partner sex do you have a hard time being present with your partner’s needs?
The solution to this is to learn how to have slow sex. Slow sex is engaging in foreplay and lovemaking with all of your senses present: smell, taste, touch and sound.
When sex is done quickly very little attention is paid to what is going on moment to moment. This can further encourage the disconnection between your body, mind and your partner.
Instead, slow way down, engage in foreplay, learn some new techniques and become present.
Over time, this kind of sex will feel so amazing that the craving for porn will diminish. You will find you prefer this more satisfying kind of sex.
There is hope for porn dependency!
I have seen many people completely turn their dependency to porn around with these steps.
And, it may be helpful to work with a coach to custom craft exercises just for you and your specific needs. It is always helpful to discuss your progress with someone and stay accountable with weekly sessions.
The main thing is to know that there is nothing wrong with you. Many folks have unwittingly become a little too dependent on porn. And, while porn has its place as a form of enjoyable entertainment, if it is causing you distress you can turn that ship around.
Be gentle with yourself. Rome was not build in a day. It can take time to create new neural pathways, unlearn habits and create new, lasting habits.
Patience and practice makes perfect!
All the best,
Dr. Anya
