Is erectile dysfunction getting you down? It doesn’t have to! I want to debunk another myth that our culture likes to throw around.  The myth that men must be rock hard and stay that way whenever they get aroused.  I find that this myth has done a lot of damage to male sexuality and has caused a culture of shame, secrecy, lies, and fear much like the one that has been created around female sexuality.  I often have male clients that are frustrated with their erectile tissue’s response to their arousal.  They have been to doctors, urologists, therapists and still find that they are not performing in the way they “should”.  They have been told that they need to be HARD all the time. And, if they are not then they have the dreaded ED.

There are times when a medical intervention is necessary and all men could benefit from getting some medical tests to rule out any underlying issues that may be at play.  It is always important to treat our bodies holistically and that can definitely mean adhering to self-care through routine check-ups. That being said, this is what I have found many times in my office.  A man comes in complaining about erectile dysfunction and this is how it manifests in him:

  • Shame
  • Performance Anxiety
  • Quick ejaculation
  • A desire to be erect but not able to keep an erection
  • Becoming erect, an interruption happening and losing the erection
  • Feeling he must perform a certain way to please his lover/partner/mate
  • Getting frustrated that his erections aren’t lasting as long as he and his partner would like
  • Watching a lot of porn
  • Only being able to maintain erection during porn

Our bodies are complex.  They do not have an on and off switch that makes “it work” every time.  We are much more exciting and intricate than that. My goal is to teach people how to love their bodies and allow them to function “differently” at different times.  If there is a lot of stress, if the turn-ons just aren’t there, if there are communication issues between partners, if parent burnout is in the equation, if sex just isn’t fun anymore, if age or lower testosterone is a factor, our bodies respond because our bodies are smart.  It is kind of simple really.

This label of erectile dysfunction can be harmful.  You can actually look at your body’s response as a “difference” which is pointing to a lot of important things.   The issue that you are dealing with may be just the thing to get you to wake up to your body and start to experience a better, more enjoyable life.

Unfortunately, male sexuality has been put into a small box that does not leave a lot of room for creativity, fun, trying new things, exploring soft cock massage, being halfway erect and having an orgasm, relaxing and letting go to just feel and explore sensation and being okay with not being 100 % HARD all the way to the finish line.

By changing your mindset around your erections, utilizing some important tools to get more in touch with your body and getting some simple sex education, these things can (and do) happen:

  • More sensation
  • Relaxation
  • Fun
  • Happiness
  • Appreciation of your body
  • The ability to approve of your sexuality rather than live in the constant “inner critic”
  • Better orgasms!
  • Sustained erections
  • Full body enjoyment
  • The ability to not rely only on porn

I believe it’s important that we challenge some of the myths that we have been given about our bodies.  It is rare to receive adequate, non-judgemental and accurate sex education about what our bodies do and don’t do during arousal.  I invite you to relax a little bit today if you are experiencing suffering due to your erections. Feel the sensations in your body when you are aroused, hard cock or not, and open the door to a better and more fulfilled sex life.

Here is a wonderful video by my colleague and friend Annie Sprinkle called The Soft Cock Manifesto.

Check it out then give me a shout if you’d like a free phone consultation to see how doing some simple re-framing of your mindset can increase your enjoyment of your sexuality.



Dr. Anya

Categories: Sex Education


Anya de Montigny, DHS is a sexuality expert with over 20 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) degree, is a certified sex educator and certified sex coach and was the host of the popular radio show The O Word Sex Talk Radio. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice. She also teaches adult sex education classes as well as consent & boundaries workshops at Universities and Colleges.

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