As a Sex Educator, I talk a lot about setting boundaries, knowing what our true desires are and how to get them.
Recently, a person whom I considered a colleague crossed a boundary with me that I have spent some time grappling with.
It started with a FaceBook message that he had heard of my work through a mutual friend and wanted to talk to me about collaborating on a project. We spoke on the phone, it sounded good and I got excited about the possibilities this venture could offer.
We met in person and worked together on the project. At one point he asked if I was in a polyamorous relationship and I replied, “No I am not”. The project went pretty well and we discussed working together in the future. Unfortunately, this is where the story takes a turn.
He walked me to my car in the pitch darkness of rural northern California. We hugged to say goodbye and I suddenly felt his lips on mine, kind of wet and parted, kissing me! It took a second or two to realize what was going on and totally surprised and shocked I backed away, got into my car and drove off feeling shaken.
In the long run, I am grateful for the experience, however tasteless it was, because it has brought me closer to my vision of creating safe spaces for women to explore their authentic desires and ways to communicate those desires, set boundaries and become empowered.
We all have a lot to learn and much work to do to grow. But let’s start by saying NO to creeps and standing in our authentic desires and power. If someone, whether they be male or female touches you in any way that is non-consensual know your boundaries and your rights. Speak up about it and know that there are plenty of people who will back you up. A lot of us stay silent about this kind of unwanted attention and it’s really high-time we change that.
Anya de Montigny, DHS is a sexuality expert with over 20 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) degree, is a certified sex educator and certified sex coach and was the host of the popular radio show The O Word Sex Talk Radio. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice. She also teaches adult sex education classes as well as consent & boundaries workshops at Universities and Colleges.