Are you experiencing desire discrepancy in your long-term relationship?
Desire discrepancy manifests as one parter wanting sex more or less often than the other. One partner may feel rejected or that they are always the one to initiate. The other partner may just be going through the motions, checking off the boxes, or trying to keep their partner happy. They report not having desire for sex and experience it as a chore.
Desire discrepancy is actually quite common and fortunately, has a pretty straight forward solution which is to improve the quality (not the quantity) of your sex life.
Simply put this looks like:
- Both partners having adequate arousal and orgasm.
- Slowing sex way down and including a ramp that goes from various stages of intimate connection all the way to orgasm.
- Becoming embodied and feeling the sensations of pleasure vs. being in your head.
- Having deep, intimate conversations about intimacy way before sex happens (priming the pump).
- Learning skills and techniques that are outside the normal, boring routine.
- Prioritizing quality time and connection.
- Focusing less on frequency and more on the overall enjoyment of the experience.
When couples have amazing, quality sex this is what I hear:
“The sex was so good I feel completely satisfied and am not craving sex as much as I usually am”.
“The sex was so good I felt connected to my partner for the first time in years which has brought back desire for my partner”.
“The sex was so good I felt sensations I have never felt before and I want to feel those pleasurable sensations again soon”.
“The sex was so good I finally feel my partner was with me and not just going through the motions”.
When couples are having great quality sex the imbalance becomes balanced. The quick libido partner, who always feels there is an itch that needs to be scratched, finally feels relief and can relax. The slow libido partner, who is usually dissatisfied with sex or has no desire for sex, is so pleased with the experience that they want to do it again – soon!
While the path towards evening out desire discrepancy is fairly straight forward, it is nuanced and couples do need to learn how to achieve it and stick with it.
This is where coaching comes in! In my couples program we work on the 3 pillars to a successful sex life: Intimate Conversations, Erotic Fundamentals and Erotic Renaissance.
If you want a transformation in your sex life reach out and let’s discuss the possibility of working together.
All the best,