Low Sex Drive? It’s not your Enemy it’s your Friend!

Hey folks, I am here to talk a little bit about LOW SEX DRIVE and how it can be your friend and not your enemy.  I want to begin by saying that there is absolutely 100% no shame in not wanting to have sex.  I know, that’s probably not what you would expect to hear from a sexologist who has devoted her life to assisting people in having empowered sexuality but this is one of my strong beliefs.  I do not believe that there is anything wrong with not wanting to have sex.  Why not? Well first, we need to term define the word sex.  Not everyone has the same definition, not everyone wants it the same way, not everyone is satisfied with the sex they are having! A lot of heterosexual couples I work with define sex as Penis-Vagina sex.  I call it PV sex.  And, a lot of couples I work with are kind of tired of the old PV sex! At least a lot of women say it’s just not enough for them or they aren’t that satisfied with or or they just don’t “feel anything”.  Okay, so back to the term definition.  Now, I work with a lot of queer couples, gay couples, trans couples, people who identify as other than straight and the way they define sex may be different.  For those couples they may be using toys, fingers, tongues etc.  so this whole idea of PV sex isn’t really an option.  I work with a whole lot of couples with a range of sexual identities and preferences that just aren’t feeling excited or turn-on by what once worked and they are experiencing LOW LIBIDO.  Now, I believe this is different than “having” low libido.  This is “experiencing” low libido.  When people come to me and complain of this I always tell them that they may not actually know what kind of libido they have because the sex they’ve been having hasn’t been satisfying!  Are you one of those people? Do you feel that your current sex life just isn’t cutting it? Can you remember a time when you had a high libido or a different libido than the one you have now? So, there is nothing wrong with you.  It’s just that your body right now may want something different than what you are getting.  And that’s a great sign.  It means that creativity is just around the corner and figuring out what your desires are is the first step in getting what you want.  It also means that if you are a couple you get to find out a ton about your partner and what makes their body tick.  I find this to be the exciting part of my work, seeing couples begin the process of getting to know each other’s bodies and getting to know their own body right now.

So, again, there is nothing wrong with a low libido.  Listen to your body and don’t push past what it’s telling you.  It may be telling you that you need some creativity in your life and that you need to book a session with me!

In the meantime here are some things you can do:

  1. Try something different than what you are doing now. Just for an experiment try a new toy or a new position.  Read a new sex tips book or explore your body in a new way.
  2. Watch different porn.  Yes, I said the P word.  If you are already a fan of porn and have your go-to’s that’s great but maybe it’s becoming too routine or too dull.  Try a new brand or style of porn and see what happens.  Or, as a couple watch something together.
  3. Engage in some serious foreplay and I mean serious.  Sexting and sexy phone calls are just a couple of things you can do to spice it up.
  4. Take an erotic massage class.  This is one of my favorite tips for couples.  Get into your sensuality and out of the goal oriented sex you are currently having.
  5. Work with a sex coach.  Give me a call or find someone you feel comfortable working with and begin to unravel the big knot that your sexual frustrations have become.  It’s about pleasure and you can have it!

I recommend that you be a sensual researcher and give you and your inner critic a break.  Low Libido is not your enemy it’s your friend.


Dr. Anya